I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
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CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
The two types of wives
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
TRAIN’S HERE
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”