“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
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When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
That lamp looks PISSED.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.