I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
You Might Also Like
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I need a headline like this
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’