A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
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Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
bury ourselves
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.