My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
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Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie