Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*