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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.