I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
You Might Also Like
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
she has a point
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Bike for sale