SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”