kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
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I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you