My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
🙋♀️
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Batman v Dracula