I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
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A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Hit me in the face with a bird
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears