[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
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Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.