I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
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Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders