“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any