“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
What the dentist sees
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours