Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
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A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
good work, detective