peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
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Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Nose
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*