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Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
can’t talk my ride’s here