You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
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ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Oh no
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
the red hot silly peppers
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.