I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
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Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.