Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
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Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.