Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Some of y’all tomorrow …
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I think the cat got the dog high.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?