Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
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[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
😲 WTF? 😆
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”