Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
You Might Also Like
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Thank you corporation very cool
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
when you don’t want to be too vague
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.