Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
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i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
greetings!
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.