I think I’m having a stroke
You Might Also Like
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆