MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
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Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.