surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
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Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.