You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.