There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
You Might Also Like
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Best spot.. 😅
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper