(before sex)
*sings national anthem
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8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
🤣
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
uh oh
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now