Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
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You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.