Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit