Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
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Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?