Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
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eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.