It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
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I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
house sitting!
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd