Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together