[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
You Might Also Like
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub