Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
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make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I laughed at this way too hard.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals