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*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …