*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
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How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”