I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
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Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Make new friends? bro out of what?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Finally! 😈
when u come home smelling like another dog
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”