“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.