Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
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[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I can’t wait!
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.