Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”