WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Become ungovernable.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!