changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
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Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.