You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
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HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”