But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
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I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
calling in to work dehydrated
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Stop sending me this shit.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Don’t talk down to me
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose